Happiness

The ever-elusive grail that everyone is looking for from birth to death is the one thing that we find, lose, hit, and miss more than anything. Everyone has his or her own formula for happiness. We pick and choose along the way what will work and eventually come up with our own success. Happiness is exhilarating and addictive but most of all fleeting. So sit back, relax, and let’s see if this formula works for you.

First, think deeply and honestly about who you are. How you speak, smile, shake hands, walk, laugh, look, communicate, and everything that makes up your life. Are you living your life authentically? Do you walk away from a conversation thinking, “Why did I say that?”  You know that you lied, exaggerated, held back, said too much, or was hurtful. Now consider who you wanted to be in that situation, in all situations. Think about who you want to be when you are alone or in a crowd, not who you think people want you to be or who you feel you should be. Be someone you love, someone you’d want to be friends with, and someone who can wake up in the morning and be proud of.

Happiness starts from within. You must first be happy with who you are and let that grow and show in everything you do. It is much easier said than done. Start small and congratulate yourself for every step in the right direction and alternately never punish yourself for getting off track. Part of being happy is accepting that you will make mistakes, things will go wrong, and life will go on.

Now, compliment yourself. The hardest thing for anyone to do is to verbalize the best parts of themselves. Try it! Ask someone to list 5 things they absolutely love and admire about who they are. Not to list things they have that they love or things they do that they love but things about themselves that they love. Then ask them to list things they don’t like or would like to change and see how long they go on before you have to tell them to stop!

It will take time but here is how to get started. Write it down. Use sticky notes, white boards, chalk boards, journal, or even your computer screen saver. Put in words those things you know or believe are good about you. Things as simple as you cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze to things such as being good at keeping secrets. Then, go from writing it down to reading them aloud. Say them in the car, in the shower, in your office, or be clever and work them into conversations. Lastly, start looking yourself deep in your eyes in the morning and compliment yourself. Say good, happy, meaningful things and believe it’s all true.

Now remember, everyone’s formula is different and you will find just the right mixture for you. You must take an active role in your happiness. Don’t have a good day, make it a good day!

Divorce

Depending on where you live divorce may be more commonplace than intact marriages. In my office I see more children who have last names different from their mother than ever. Gone are the times where I can look at a child’s referral and call and ask for Mr. or Mrs. of the same last name.

It has been shown statistically that women are far more affected by divorce no matter the cause or who initiated the split. Women are affected financially, emotionally, physically and psychologically. Many women are never the same after their fairy tale marriage has been destroyed.

Financially women’s standard of living decreases measurably while men’s standard of living increases slightly. Based on this it is actually more lucrative for a man to get divorced. Women, on the other hand, are expected to continue being a mother if she has children and are also saddled with being the father as well. Although they may get to keep the home through divorce, it is usually more expensive than she can afford alone.

The emotional stress that goes along with getting divorced is devastating. Women often go through the stages of grief and loss during the divorce process. The stages include shock and disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, then acceptance and hope. These feelings can begin well before the divorce happens. Often it is obvious the marriage is over before divorce proceedings begin and the feelings of loss will coincide with the relationship’s disintegration.

Physically women go through all the changes that occur with a major stressor or trauma. Although it is specific to the individual what changes happen, there are always some form of physical change. The stress may cause hair to fall out, measurable weight gain or loss, skin irritations, and sweating. Underlying physical changes can be stomach and gastrointestinal upset, headaches, blurred vision, and heart palpitations. These can be long-lived or temporary. It depends on how the woman chooses to handle her stress.

Psychologically, some women may develop an anxiety or panic disorder, depression, or fatigue. In some cases post-traumatic stress disorder can occur and personality disorders can be exacerbated. It is suggested that some form of professional counseling is sought. It is the nature of a woman to try to be a super hero and overcome things on her own. A divorce is not the time to retreat inside. It is a time to seek friendship and healing.

Divorce effects entire families, not just women, but our society has preconceived notions about a divorced woman that they do not have towards men. Divorce affects women differently and those affects trickle down to the next generations. Divorce is difficult, painful, and dishearteningly common. If you are dealing with a divorce, you can find solace in knowing you are truly not alone.

Gratitude

We all know to say thank you for things you receive or things people do for you but do you show gratitude throughout your day? Gratitude is one of the major boosts for happiness, but many may not know how to fully increase their gratitude beyond just being thankful. Here are five ways to boost your gratitude, which will in turn amplify your happiness exponentially.

1.     Commit random acts of kindness. We all see people who look like they need a little help. The woman with a toddler in one hand and pushing a stroller with the other trying to get her groceries to her car in one piece. So many people pass by, thinking that they don’t want to interfere. One way to increase gratitude is by helping those that need a little help.

2.     Accentuate the positive. So many of us wake up and begrudgingly go to work, get annoyed at the copier jamming, and drive home through traffic. The best thing you can do in these not so perky times is to reframe how you see it. You are in control of how this scene plays out. Turn it into waking up in a home that your job affords you, enjoying the break from your desk by having to fiddle with the copier, and having extra time to drive home and clear your mind or listen to your favorite radio show. There is always a silver lining. Focus on it, magnify it, and embrace it as your reality.

3.     Create a reminder of gratitude. A friend of mine kept a rock in her pocket and each time she would touch it or become aware of it she would think of what she was grateful for in that moment. Being fully aware of the most positive things can bring absolute joy to ones life. It is easy to forget to be gracious through the hustle and bustle of life. Let a little symbol of gratitude keep you on track.

4.     Put it in black and white. Get a shoebox, jar, vase, or any container suitable for holding paper. Each day write an affirmation, goal, strength, or gratitude on the paper. Fold it up, and put it in the container. If at any time during the week you need a pick-me-up, distraction, or something to be thankful for, take one out and read it. Read it two or three times if needed and decide what you will do with it. If it is a goal, work on it. If it is a strength, try to accentuate it for a whole 24 hours.

5.     Volunteer. Even if it is once a month, give your time to an organization or group that needs it. Never underestimate your power to create happiness and gratitude in others. You will see quickly how you can make a big difference and you will notice the gratitude growing in others.

Long time coming

It has been a while since I blogged last. I apologize to my followers who have been able to relate to my experiences. I have been going through some ups and downs. I am appreciating the ups and learning from the downs. I have recently become single, leaving behind the person I considered to be both the bane and boon of my existence. He never got over the fact that I had gone through molestation, abuse, and rape. He was afraid of me yet still felt obligated to me. I felt like I was constantly being analyzed and stepped around as though I were a live mine in a field of tall grass. He expected someone like me to be fragile and easily broken or to explode leaving behind a path of destruction. How do you convince someone you are ok?

To open up to someone about who you are even if you had never been victimized is hard enough. Walking along in the world, wondering if people can tell that you are different is enough to drive someone deeply inward. I have been there and have since embraced who I am. By embracing myself I was able to come to terms with the fact that being with someone who is afraid of me only made me more afraid of myself. More afraid to be myself for fear that he saw something I could not. Maybe I was explosive and scary but just had convinced myself I was ok. Amazingly after many years of introspective thinking, I realized I am ok. I hadn't killed anyone or yelled at any little old ladies. I hadn't harmed myself or pushed away the people I love. I know more than ever that I am ok. Actually no, I am more than ok. I am pretty damn awesome!

To be a survivor, a true survivor, I came out of my history stronger than before. I am not weaker due to the life that was forced upon me. I am not more afraid of the world because certain people betrayed my trust beyond belief. I have not retracted into myself filling my soul up with worry so that no one can get in. I have loved stronger and laughed more than anyone I know. Of course, this is all relative but from my perspective I am bright and have a smile that is infectious, a heart that overflows with love, and an empathy that reaches around the universe and back.

Is it wrong to thank those that tried to destroy me? I do not hate them or hold grudges. I feel sorry for them. They have to be so broken and miserable to have infringed on my right to safety and happiness while becoming more aroused. Being aroused by inflicting pain shows an inability to find a personal humanity. Those people cannot be helped and will never truly feel love. For that I feel sad not only for them but all those that attempt to show them what true happiness can be.

I am looking forward and planning for my future. I am planting my lotus seeds to create more beauty from the shadows. The lotus flower begins as a tiny flower in the muck and mud at the foot of the pond. It then grows up continuously to the water surface and moves following the light. Once the lotus has grown to the water surface, the lotus flower starts to blossom into a very beautiful flower. I am growing and improving and following the sunlight. I am single and ok with that. No longer do I need a litmus for the purpose of self-affirmation. I live, love, and laugh on my terms at a lightning pace. There is no better time than the present and I will no longer overlook any opportunity to do so, strongly and without fear.

Confrontation

I just spoke to my abuser's mother. My grandmother just called and wanted me to come to a family reunion. The family that raised me and who knew my abuser was "a dirty old man". That is what she calls him. She says she kicked him out when he was younger for molesting his sisters. He grew up and got married and molested me. He got divorced and remarried, to his cousin of all people, and molested her children as well. So anyway....

I just spoke to my abuser's mother to invite me to a family reunion. I told her I was sick, which I am, and could not come. I also told her that I feel very uncomfortable keeping my past from her. Before I could say anything she told me that she knew. She knew that he was harming me but hoped that her thoughts were not true. She knew he was a molester but hoped he would spare me the agony of a lifetime of dealing with his lingering touch and incestuous love. I barely got the words out, "I need to tell you what he did to me when I was little." She was so caring and understanding. This is not the reaction I expected. She told me that to heal I needed to confront him. She told me that he would apologize. She told me that he is sorry.

How can she be so sure? I told her that her beliefs were fiction and he would never admit to it. She assured me that she would be there, by my side, and if he denied anything she would "kick his butt!" Should I confront him? Is that really the path to healing? What would I even say? I really need help with this one.

Hangover

Have you ever noticed how the affects of abuse pop up like random hangovers? I noticed this with my current boyfriend. He is very animated when he speaks and one day he was showing me something and grabbed my arm quickly and without warning. I blacked out, saw him as a past abuser, and raised my fist to get him off of me. Both he and I were terrified. I felt numb at that moment. I had no idea what to say or do. I could only apologize and curl into a ball. I was trembling and he was so confused. He said, "I touch you all the time. I don't understand why that happened. You know I will never hurt you." It was true. He had never hit me or hurt me in anyway. He had never threatened me or raised his hand to me. Yet these moments happen out of the blue.

I remember one time we were arguing and he hit the wall near me. I felt my heart stop and then it began to race as though it would beat a hole into my chest. I became so frightened that I tried to run onto the balcony of our 2nd floor apartment. Realizing I was "cornered" I ran past him, pushing him away hard with my fists on his chest and tried to lock myself in any place I could, ending up on the floor of the bathroom. I was sobbing and screaming. Nothing seemed real. My world had changed. I was a little girl again, hiding from my abuser.

Just remembering these times are bringing on a flood of emotions. There are so many micromemories that just flash in and out. If someone talks quickly and use their hands wildly, I become uncomfortable. I feel my skin crawl when someone wants to hug me. I continually try to create this bubble of safety around myself which in turn offends those trying to interact with me. I believe my behavior offends many and keeps people at arms length. In a way, that is safest but it is quite lonely.

What I have tried to do to wash away the hangover of abuse is to look at people and say their name in my head to train myself to not see them as the enemy. I often find myself creating reasons to stay away from people. I create a world where everyone is gossiping about me so I must protect myself from them. This self-destructive thinking has kept me stuck for almost 3 decades. The world is not out to get me and everyone is not an abuser. If anything, most people have felt some pain as deep as mine. We may not share the same experiences but no one walks through the world without getting a few bumps, bruises, and inevitable scars. I have learned that trying to be in absolute control takes so much energy and you still end up hurting one way or another. I am learning to relax, to experience the realities of the world outside of abuse. The abusers are long gone but they taught me very well how to keep myself isolated, to break myself down, to abuse myself. The words and scenes play over and over in my head. They do not deserve that power anymore. I will no longer be drunk with the control and powerlessness of my past and have the hangovers of abuse. I am seeking my freedom.

When No One Believes

During your lowest point in life, when you have been beaten and battered, raped, molested, and thrown to the side the worst thing that can happen is to find your strength to tell and be called a liar. Our stories may be so unbelievable or outrageous or just too close to home for some people to accept. I learned quickly that telling was not always as safe as they tell you in the after school specials. As a child my mother did not believe although she had seen it with her own eyes. That taught me something and I learned it fast and it is anchored deep within me. It taught me that I am the only person that I can count on. Later on in life when the same man that abused me left me alone in his apartment in a very bad neighborhood, I was raped again. (I say again because I was raped 2 years before this, again under his watch). I was not only bloody but I was infected. I had no idea with what but I knew I was in pain. My mother called me names, "fast", "promiscuous", "hot in the pants" all the way to the doctor and all the way home even though I explained I was raped. I thought she would understand because she was raped as a child very close to the age I was that day. She did not believe me and I was punished.
Now people think that being raped multiple times in your life is unbelievable. I have been asked so many times what I think I did to bring on these rapes. Seriously? So what did I do? I started looking for reasons to blame myself. I started hearing the stories of rape victims and wondering what they did to bring it on. I started to call myself a liar. When no one believes you, it is hard to keep believing in yourself. I have had to rebuild myself, layer by layer, truth by truth.
I lost my innocence to the sodomy of my dad, I lost my virginity to rape and for a long time I lost my sanity at the hands of men. I have gone from one abusive relationship to another. I have repeatedly found male friends that mistreated me when they called themselves my big brothers. I stopped fighting. My "no" meant nothing. As loud as I screamed it, my "no" was silent to the men that raped me. I stopped fighting. I fought hard the first few times which left bruises and intense pain and a feeling of weakness. When I left my body and stopped fighting, as strange as it sounds, I felt I got my power back. They thought they were taking it, that they were controlling me, but what they didn't know was that my soul was already gone.
So here I am, speaking to the audience that believes, because they have been there. Here I am bringing up pains that I have pushed down for decades so I can heal them. I believe in my strength, although hard sometimes, I believe in my truth. So when no one else believes, I have to keep believing in me.