Long time coming

It has been a while since I blogged last. I apologize to my followers who have been able to relate to my experiences. I have been going through some ups and downs. I am appreciating the ups and learning from the downs. I have recently become single, leaving behind the person I considered to be both the bane and boon of my existence. He never got over the fact that I had gone through molestation, abuse, and rape. He was afraid of me yet still felt obligated to me. I felt like I was constantly being analyzed and stepped around as though I were a live mine in a field of tall grass. He expected someone like me to be fragile and easily broken or to explode leaving behind a path of destruction. How do you convince someone you are ok?

To open up to someone about who you are even if you had never been victimized is hard enough. Walking along in the world, wondering if people can tell that you are different is enough to drive someone deeply inward. I have been there and have since embraced who I am. By embracing myself I was able to come to terms with the fact that being with someone who is afraid of me only made me more afraid of myself. More afraid to be myself for fear that he saw something I could not. Maybe I was explosive and scary but just had convinced myself I was ok. Amazingly after many years of introspective thinking, I realized I am ok. I hadn't killed anyone or yelled at any little old ladies. I hadn't harmed myself or pushed away the people I love. I know more than ever that I am ok. Actually no, I am more than ok. I am pretty damn awesome!

To be a survivor, a true survivor, I came out of my history stronger than before. I am not weaker due to the life that was forced upon me. I am not more afraid of the world because certain people betrayed my trust beyond belief. I have not retracted into myself filling my soul up with worry so that no one can get in. I have loved stronger and laughed more than anyone I know. Of course, this is all relative but from my perspective I am bright and have a smile that is infectious, a heart that overflows with love, and an empathy that reaches around the universe and back.

Is it wrong to thank those that tried to destroy me? I do not hate them or hold grudges. I feel sorry for them. They have to be so broken and miserable to have infringed on my right to safety and happiness while becoming more aroused. Being aroused by inflicting pain shows an inability to find a personal humanity. Those people cannot be helped and will never truly feel love. For that I feel sad not only for them but all those that attempt to show them what true happiness can be.

I am looking forward and planning for my future. I am planting my lotus seeds to create more beauty from the shadows. The lotus flower begins as a tiny flower in the muck and mud at the foot of the pond. It then grows up continuously to the water surface and moves following the light. Once the lotus has grown to the water surface, the lotus flower starts to blossom into a very beautiful flower. I am growing and improving and following the sunlight. I am single and ok with that. No longer do I need a litmus for the purpose of self-affirmation. I live, love, and laugh on my terms at a lightning pace. There is no better time than the present and I will no longer overlook any opportunity to do so, strongly and without fear.