Hangover

Have you ever noticed how the affects of abuse pop up like random hangovers? I noticed this with my current boyfriend. He is very animated when he speaks and one day he was showing me something and grabbed my arm quickly and without warning. I blacked out, saw him as a past abuser, and raised my fist to get him off of me. Both he and I were terrified. I felt numb at that moment. I had no idea what to say or do. I could only apologize and curl into a ball. I was trembling and he was so confused. He said, "I touch you all the time. I don't understand why that happened. You know I will never hurt you." It was true. He had never hit me or hurt me in anyway. He had never threatened me or raised his hand to me. Yet these moments happen out of the blue.

I remember one time we were arguing and he hit the wall near me. I felt my heart stop and then it began to race as though it would beat a hole into my chest. I became so frightened that I tried to run onto the balcony of our 2nd floor apartment. Realizing I was "cornered" I ran past him, pushing him away hard with my fists on his chest and tried to lock myself in any place I could, ending up on the floor of the bathroom. I was sobbing and screaming. Nothing seemed real. My world had changed. I was a little girl again, hiding from my abuser.

Just remembering these times are bringing on a flood of emotions. There are so many micromemories that just flash in and out. If someone talks quickly and use their hands wildly, I become uncomfortable. I feel my skin crawl when someone wants to hug me. I continually try to create this bubble of safety around myself which in turn offends those trying to interact with me. I believe my behavior offends many and keeps people at arms length. In a way, that is safest but it is quite lonely.

What I have tried to do to wash away the hangover of abuse is to look at people and say their name in my head to train myself to not see them as the enemy. I often find myself creating reasons to stay away from people. I create a world where everyone is gossiping about me so I must protect myself from them. This self-destructive thinking has kept me stuck for almost 3 decades. The world is not out to get me and everyone is not an abuser. If anything, most people have felt some pain as deep as mine. We may not share the same experiences but no one walks through the world without getting a few bumps, bruises, and inevitable scars. I have learned that trying to be in absolute control takes so much energy and you still end up hurting one way or another. I am learning to relax, to experience the realities of the world outside of abuse. The abusers are long gone but they taught me very well how to keep myself isolated, to break myself down, to abuse myself. The words and scenes play over and over in my head. They do not deserve that power anymore. I will no longer be drunk with the control and powerlessness of my past and have the hangovers of abuse. I am seeking my freedom.