Happiness

The ever-elusive grail that everyone is looking for from birth to death is the one thing that we find, lose, hit, and miss more than anything. Everyone has his or her own formula for happiness. We pick and choose along the way what will work and eventually come up with our own success. Happiness is exhilarating and addictive but most of all fleeting. So sit back, relax, and let’s see if this formula works for you.

First, think deeply and honestly about who you are. How you speak, smile, shake hands, walk, laugh, look, communicate, and everything that makes up your life. Are you living your life authentically? Do you walk away from a conversation thinking, “Why did I say that?”  You know that you lied, exaggerated, held back, said too much, or was hurtful. Now consider who you wanted to be in that situation, in all situations. Think about who you want to be when you are alone or in a crowd, not who you think people want you to be or who you feel you should be. Be someone you love, someone you’d want to be friends with, and someone who can wake up in the morning and be proud of.

Happiness starts from within. You must first be happy with who you are and let that grow and show in everything you do. It is much easier said than done. Start small and congratulate yourself for every step in the right direction and alternately never punish yourself for getting off track. Part of being happy is accepting that you will make mistakes, things will go wrong, and life will go on.

Now, compliment yourself. The hardest thing for anyone to do is to verbalize the best parts of themselves. Try it! Ask someone to list 5 things they absolutely love and admire about who they are. Not to list things they have that they love or things they do that they love but things about themselves that they love. Then ask them to list things they don’t like or would like to change and see how long they go on before you have to tell them to stop!

It will take time but here is how to get started. Write it down. Use sticky notes, white boards, chalk boards, journal, or even your computer screen saver. Put in words those things you know or believe are good about you. Things as simple as you cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze to things such as being good at keeping secrets. Then, go from writing it down to reading them aloud. Say them in the car, in the shower, in your office, or be clever and work them into conversations. Lastly, start looking yourself deep in your eyes in the morning and compliment yourself. Say good, happy, meaningful things and believe it’s all true.

Now remember, everyone’s formula is different and you will find just the right mixture for you. You must take an active role in your happiness. Don’t have a good day, make it a good day!

Divorce

Depending on where you live divorce may be more commonplace than intact marriages. In my office I see more children who have last names different from their mother than ever. Gone are the times where I can look at a child’s referral and call and ask for Mr. or Mrs. of the same last name.

It has been shown statistically that women are far more affected by divorce no matter the cause or who initiated the split. Women are affected financially, emotionally, physically and psychologically. Many women are never the same after their fairy tale marriage has been destroyed.

Financially women’s standard of living decreases measurably while men’s standard of living increases slightly. Based on this it is actually more lucrative for a man to get divorced. Women, on the other hand, are expected to continue being a mother if she has children and are also saddled with being the father as well. Although they may get to keep the home through divorce, it is usually more expensive than she can afford alone.

The emotional stress that goes along with getting divorced is devastating. Women often go through the stages of grief and loss during the divorce process. The stages include shock and disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, then acceptance and hope. These feelings can begin well before the divorce happens. Often it is obvious the marriage is over before divorce proceedings begin and the feelings of loss will coincide with the relationship’s disintegration.

Physically women go through all the changes that occur with a major stressor or trauma. Although it is specific to the individual what changes happen, there are always some form of physical change. The stress may cause hair to fall out, measurable weight gain or loss, skin irritations, and sweating. Underlying physical changes can be stomach and gastrointestinal upset, headaches, blurred vision, and heart palpitations. These can be long-lived or temporary. It depends on how the woman chooses to handle her stress.

Psychologically, some women may develop an anxiety or panic disorder, depression, or fatigue. In some cases post-traumatic stress disorder can occur and personality disorders can be exacerbated. It is suggested that some form of professional counseling is sought. It is the nature of a woman to try to be a super hero and overcome things on her own. A divorce is not the time to retreat inside. It is a time to seek friendship and healing.

Divorce effects entire families, not just women, but our society has preconceived notions about a divorced woman that they do not have towards men. Divorce affects women differently and those affects trickle down to the next generations. Divorce is difficult, painful, and dishearteningly common. If you are dealing with a divorce, you can find solace in knowing you are truly not alone.

Gratitude

We all know to say thank you for things you receive or things people do for you but do you show gratitude throughout your day? Gratitude is one of the major boosts for happiness, but many may not know how to fully increase their gratitude beyond just being thankful. Here are five ways to boost your gratitude, which will in turn amplify your happiness exponentially.

1.     Commit random acts of kindness. We all see people who look like they need a little help. The woman with a toddler in one hand and pushing a stroller with the other trying to get her groceries to her car in one piece. So many people pass by, thinking that they don’t want to interfere. One way to increase gratitude is by helping those that need a little help.

2.     Accentuate the positive. So many of us wake up and begrudgingly go to work, get annoyed at the copier jamming, and drive home through traffic. The best thing you can do in these not so perky times is to reframe how you see it. You are in control of how this scene plays out. Turn it into waking up in a home that your job affords you, enjoying the break from your desk by having to fiddle with the copier, and having extra time to drive home and clear your mind or listen to your favorite radio show. There is always a silver lining. Focus on it, magnify it, and embrace it as your reality.

3.     Create a reminder of gratitude. A friend of mine kept a rock in her pocket and each time she would touch it or become aware of it she would think of what she was grateful for in that moment. Being fully aware of the most positive things can bring absolute joy to ones life. It is easy to forget to be gracious through the hustle and bustle of life. Let a little symbol of gratitude keep you on track.

4.     Put it in black and white. Get a shoebox, jar, vase, or any container suitable for holding paper. Each day write an affirmation, goal, strength, or gratitude on the paper. Fold it up, and put it in the container. If at any time during the week you need a pick-me-up, distraction, or something to be thankful for, take one out and read it. Read it two or three times if needed and decide what you will do with it. If it is a goal, work on it. If it is a strength, try to accentuate it for a whole 24 hours.

5.     Volunteer. Even if it is once a month, give your time to an organization or group that needs it. Never underestimate your power to create happiness and gratitude in others. You will see quickly how you can make a big difference and you will notice the gratitude growing in others.