Being Strong?

I got news today that my boyfriend's mom's cancer is changing her brain. She is psychotic and she may have permanent brain damage. All this from smoking most of her life. We have been through chemo, radiation, ER visits, and hospital stays. We have seen ups and downs for our relationship and his family's bond. How do I stay strong for him when I can barely hold myself up right now?

The situation I am in currently is feeling disgusted with myself, my body, my mother, and being confused about telling my biological father what happened to me as a child. I am in a place mentally where anyone seeing my body, including me, freaks me out. Being touched right now creates a reaction of crawling skin and stomach turning. This all stems from going to a baby shower recently. I had to bring a baby picture. My mother, the oblivious one, tells me about how he, the rapist asshole (no pun intended), is holding me up in the picture. This shatters my perception or daydream about my life before the day he sodomized me. I think that at least I had 5 years of purity before this man took away my innocence. She explained in detail how I could not yet hold myself up and he was behind me holding my around my waist so I could get my picture taken. My smile is bright and shining. I had no idea that this touch that made me safe as an infant would shatter me as a child. So now what?

I am a basket case working to get back to normal. I am writing positive affirmations on sticky notes all over the place, I am standing naked and forcing myself to look at the body in the reflection without judgment or disgust. I am telling myself that I can handle this. I am blogging these feelings to get them out. I cannot let him control my feelings right now. My boyfriend and his family need me to be strong right now. I cannot be a blubbering idiot, I cannot be moody, and I have to be prepared to comfort them through their pain and grief. I always put others first.

Why can't I just feel how I feel right now. I am terrified that his mother will die or lose her mind permanently. I am terrified that this is my future since my boyfriend also smoked and still does occasionally. No one is safe from cancer. No one can predict the future. No one can change the past. So here I go, putting on my "strong" face and going into battle for the man I love. I wish I could battle my own issues half as well. I have done well in some respect to education, career, pet mother, and friend or maybe I have gotten really good at mimicking the behavior of those around me that seem normal.